What the future holds

Today I saw a father playing with his daughter. The little girl was in perfect health, seemed really cheerful and was so cute. She did have a large strawberry birthmark on her face that stained most of her cheeks, nose and one eye. Probably the largest birthmark I've ever seen. It looked even bigger because it sat on such a small cherubic face. I was thinking that her father must have worries over that birthmark. I'm sure he's afraid that she'll be made fun of in school, that boys will be mean and girls even meaner.
Seeing this father and daughter was a reminder that all our children, and all of us, carry some sort of handicap that we all must learn to live with. I am so overwrought with anxiety about Nico's behavioral issues. So much of it is worry for his future and his overall happiness. But there is a part of it that must be tied to my ego. My unwillingness to accept that my child is not perfect. I want to fix this, cure this, make it all better so that we can be "normal." It is in fact a self centered thought. Even in my obsessive recounting of Nico's birth and his 3 years thus far, I seem to be searching for a culpable moment. I seem to want to pin the blame, namely on myself. Again, tying everything back to me. A healer once told me that this is actually Nico's life journey, as bumpy as it may seem right now,and that once I stop blaming myself then true healing can begin. That is so good to hear and so hard to practice. Really hard to accept, because here I still am trying to gain control of the steering wheel, against all odds, pulling really hard and trying to make it all go my way.

I heard a great talk one day with Michael Bernard Beckwith and he spoke about trust. He asked, "Do you uproot the plants and flowers to check and see if they are truly growing?"

I hear it, I understand it. Trust me I do. But when it's a little flower that you made, that you carried for 9 months, that you helped grow, it sure is hard to have faith. Here goes nothing!




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