Eau de parenthood

We've been a low down dirty bunch.

Cheerios hiding in strange places
Blueberry stains on little faces.

A leaky chest and a chest full of drawers in disarray.
Baby socks under cushions and tiny nail clippers I've been searching for all day.

We've been a low down dirty bunch.

Pampers in my purse, pee pee on my hand.
Stinky sweaty boy and shoes filled with sand.

Laundry that won't quit.
And then there's the spit.

We've been a low down dirty bunch.

Toys stepped on. Living room a chaotic mess.
Can't recall last time I wore a dress.

Let me clean the sleep from your eyes.
Let me lick that peanut butter from your cheek.
Oldest one refuses to change, same Pjs all week.

We've been a low down dirty bunch.

Waking up half asleep to change a dirty morning diaper.
The other one's a nose picker and a pant leg wiper.

We could be a lot cleaner.
But it would make this mama meaner.

I would miss the smell of parenthood and all of it's crazies.
I like being covered in it, knee deep in babies.

We've been a low down dirty bunch... and for now we'll stay that way.


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Day two

Day Two
Breakfast:
Rice/millet cereal with Banana and raisins. Unsweetened almond milk.
Snack: Olive oil potato chips. Apple crusher.
Lunch: black eyed peas, brown rice, broccoli, carrot. Turkey rollups with mustard. Cucumbers, raw carrots.
Snack: 1 slice rice bread with pecans and raisins with almond butter and honey. Almond milk.
Dinner: rice pasta with homemade vegan pesto and turkey crumbles.
Mama's dinner: curried cauliflower, brown rice, black beans, onion and tomato.

Sweet treat: homemade half apple juice/ half water Popsicle for nico. Banana dipped in unsweetened coconut and almond butter for mama.

Nico's mood: good. Some anger but quick recovery.
Nico's BM: none! So weird.
Nico's sleep: good.
Media: too much. Stuck at home all day!


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Elimination Diet day 1

We started a 2 week elimination diet to see if Nico has any intolerances we aren't aware of.
About a month ago we gave up dairy and I noticed a marked improvement. This is not a cure by any stretch, but a chance to make sure Nico is in balance and whole. I'm doing it with him because I don't want to tempt him with my food, plus I failed at this diet myself a year ago. Here's my chance to redeem myself and to get healthy for my sake and my kids sake. This isn't even a healthy diet it is so restrictive! But it should be revealing as we reintroduce foods back in. Here we go, wish us luck.

Day One
Breakfast:
Rice/millet cereal with tons of fruit. Banana, strawberry, raisins. Unsweetened almond milk.
Snack: peach half. Olive oil potato chips. Hummus.
Lunch: black eyed peas, brown rice, broccoli, carrot. Turkey slice.
Snack: 1 slice rice bread with pecans and raisins with almond butter and honey. Almond milk.
Dinner: rice pasta with canellini beans, homemade vegan pesto, tomato. Turkey crumbles.Kale salad with apple dressing and avocado.

Nico's mood: amazing! Even at park.
Nico's BM: average
Nico's sleep: some wakings
Media: none

Pretty little pills

Today I was researching homeopathy for Nico. I came across Hyland's Calm. It's a blend that's meant to calm your nervous system. Nico took one with dinner and 15 minutes later he was a different person. He was mellow and laid back. At one point he looked like he would fall asleep at the dinner table. I felt bad, like I had drugged my kid! But it is just homeopathy, so it's pretty harmless. I hope this is something we can supplement Nico with to help him feel less anxious. Anyone out there backing homeopathy?




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Head Case

These next two months I'm dedicating to alternative therapies for Nico. Today we went for some craniosacrial massage. The therapist was super nice and patient. She said she felt that Nico had a blockage on his left side. She did really gentle touch along his spine and feet. She said she thinks she got some good results. Here's the weird part: when we got there Nico was doing great. When she finished, it was like someone flipped a switch and Nico became angry, hostile and defiant. He hit me, yelled at the therapist, and stayed pissed off most of the day. Could it be that the touch, the laying down, set off some sensory alarms? The day couldn't have ended fast enough. I clock watched until Aaron got home and then snuck into my bedroom with Oscar and hid. I hope he has restful sleep tonight. Tomorrow: homeopathy.



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Baby phat

Your brother was a skinny baby. Small, lean and brown. But you came into this world warm and doughy like a hot cross bun. Speaking of buns, your little cheeks are full of fat and dimples. And in babies, that's a good thing. Your content little rolls are so addictive to squeeze and kiss. Why is it that mothers love their babies so much they want to eat them? You are the yummiest fattest baby I know. I've never seen so many undulating layers and pockets on a baby before. Something about your heavy weight makes me feel like I'm doing my job right. Only 4 months old and half the weight of your older brother!

Fat and happy...that makes two of us.


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Hearing Things

Edward Munch may just have been a mother of two.

I'm sure most moms can relate to this, but it seems that anytime I run the vacuum or take a shower, all I hear are my kids screaming bloody murder. I swear. I turn the water off and there is silence. I turn it back on and it sounds like all hells broke loose in my living room. I thought white noise was supposed to be relaxing. I guess I'm always on high alert. Does motherhood count as a cause for Post Traumatic Stress? In the end I find it more relaxing to take a shower with my whole brood, that way I can keep one eye on them. Calgon, take us away.

What the future holds

Today I saw a father playing with his daughter. The little girl was in perfect health, seemed really cheerful and was so cute. She did have a large strawberry birthmark on her face that stained most of her cheeks, nose and one eye. Probably the largest birthmark I've ever seen. It looked even bigger because it sat on such a small cherubic face. I was thinking that her father must have worries over that birthmark. I'm sure he's afraid that she'll be made fun of in school, that boys will be mean and girls even meaner.
Seeing this father and daughter was a reminder that all our children, and all of us, carry some sort of handicap that we all must learn to live with. I am so overwrought with anxiety about Nico's behavioral issues. So much of it is worry for his future and his overall happiness. But there is a part of it that must be tied to my ego. My unwillingness to accept that my child is not perfect. I want to fix this, cure this, make it all better so that we can be "normal." It is in fact a self centered thought. Even in my obsessive recounting of Nico's birth and his 3 years thus far, I seem to be searching for a culpable moment. I seem to want to pin the blame, namely on myself. Again, tying everything back to me. A healer once told me that this is actually Nico's life journey, as bumpy as it may seem right now,and that once I stop blaming myself then true healing can begin. That is so good to hear and so hard to practice. Really hard to accept, because here I still am trying to gain control of the steering wheel, against all odds, pulling really hard and trying to make it all go my way.

I heard a great talk one day with Michael Bernard Beckwith and he spoke about trust. He asked, "Do you uproot the plants and flowers to check and see if they are truly growing?"

I hear it, I understand it. Trust me I do. But when it's a little flower that you made, that you carried for 9 months, that you helped grow, it sure is hard to have faith. Here goes nothing!




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As hard as it gets

When I was delivering Oscar I had a moment of extreme pain. It was brief, but it was a brand of pain I've never felt before. The nurse must have seen it register in me because she looked me dead in my eyes and said,"this is the hardest it gets, right here, right now.just move past it."

That advice has been echoing in my head ever since. We are dealing with Nico and his behavioral issues and it feels so painful. I want to hear so desperately that this time is the worst and that it's all smooth sailing from here on out.

We now know that Nico has sensory issues. Which is to say, we now know nothing. Talk about a confusing diagnosis. I am bewildered by the lack of information and support. It feels like a big guessing game.

I find myself worried day and night for my boy. I'd give my house up for a peek into the future to rest assured that everything will work out. To know that Nico will be a happy healthy man one day.

Today alone I researched homeopathy, energy work, acupuncture, herbs, food allergies, occupational therapies... I keep hoping I'll find something that will be a magic bullet. Or that I'll run into an anecdotal story that holds the key to something that will work for us.

Even though the nurse encouraged me to push in the delivery room, perhaps all I really need to do now is breathe.



Nico showing off a roly-poly he found.

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Breast friend

Oscar is getting so comfortable on the boob these days. He's always been a great feeder, ( as witnessed by his more than healthy weight gain) but now he really does it with gusto. He likes to use his free hand to knead at the boob. And then when there is a let down he lifts his hand in the air and waves it around like the conductor of a full orchestra. Sweet milk and music to his ears.

It really is the best feeling ever to see him so happy when he's eating. When the day feels long and I'm exhausted, Ozzy really brings me comfort and confidence as a mother. Thank you little man!



Nico helping me feed his brother.

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Dot Com

In an effort to get Nico to burn off some of his steam, the therapist suggested we buy him a punching bag. I told Nico about it and I told him he could pick the design. Toy Story or Spider Man. I opened my lap top to look for them online and Nico said, " Mama, go to Punching Bags Dot Com." I haven't laughed so loud in a long time.

Happiest Little Ozzy On the Block

Oscar Anderson Meza was born 11 weeks ago and he has been nothing but a lesson in pure human joy. He's been smiling since he was days old. Even when he finds himself choking on too much milk he manages to crack a smile and start laughing. Sometimes I'll be chatting with Nico and I'll look down at Ozzy only to find that he has broken out in complete hysterics over watching me talk. He has brought much needed peace into my mothering experience. Thank you Ozzy.

Here are some videos for the grandmas to watch over and over again.