What the future holds

Today I saw a father playing with his daughter. The little girl was in perfect health, seemed really cheerful and was so cute. She did have a large strawberry birthmark on her face that stained most of her cheeks, nose and one eye. Probably the largest birthmark I've ever seen. It looked even bigger because it sat on such a small cherubic face. I was thinking that her father must have worries over that birthmark. I'm sure he's afraid that she'll be made fun of in school, that boys will be mean and girls even meaner.
Seeing this father and daughter was a reminder that all our children, and all of us, carry some sort of handicap that we all must learn to live with. I am so overwrought with anxiety about Nico's behavioral issues. So much of it is worry for his future and his overall happiness. But there is a part of it that must be tied to my ego. My unwillingness to accept that my child is not perfect. I want to fix this, cure this, make it all better so that we can be "normal." It is in fact a self centered thought. Even in my obsessive recounting of Nico's birth and his 3 years thus far, I seem to be searching for a culpable moment. I seem to want to pin the blame, namely on myself. Again, tying everything back to me. A healer once told me that this is actually Nico's life journey, as bumpy as it may seem right now,and that once I stop blaming myself then true healing can begin. That is so good to hear and so hard to practice. Really hard to accept, because here I still am trying to gain control of the steering wheel, against all odds, pulling really hard and trying to make it all go my way.

I heard a great talk one day with Michael Bernard Beckwith and he spoke about trust. He asked, "Do you uproot the plants and flowers to check and see if they are truly growing?"

I hear it, I understand it. Trust me I do. But when it's a little flower that you made, that you carried for 9 months, that you helped grow, it sure is hard to have faith. Here goes nothing!




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As hard as it gets

When I was delivering Oscar I had a moment of extreme pain. It was brief, but it was a brand of pain I've never felt before. The nurse must have seen it register in me because she looked me dead in my eyes and said,"this is the hardest it gets, right here, right now.just move past it."

That advice has been echoing in my head ever since. We are dealing with Nico and his behavioral issues and it feels so painful. I want to hear so desperately that this time is the worst and that it's all smooth sailing from here on out.

We now know that Nico has sensory issues. Which is to say, we now know nothing. Talk about a confusing diagnosis. I am bewildered by the lack of information and support. It feels like a big guessing game.

I find myself worried day and night for my boy. I'd give my house up for a peek into the future to rest assured that everything will work out. To know that Nico will be a happy healthy man one day.

Today alone I researched homeopathy, energy work, acupuncture, herbs, food allergies, occupational therapies... I keep hoping I'll find something that will be a magic bullet. Or that I'll run into an anecdotal story that holds the key to something that will work for us.

Even though the nurse encouraged me to push in the delivery room, perhaps all I really need to do now is breathe.



Nico showing off a roly-poly he found.

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Breast friend

Oscar is getting so comfortable on the boob these days. He's always been a great feeder, ( as witnessed by his more than healthy weight gain) but now he really does it with gusto. He likes to use his free hand to knead at the boob. And then when there is a let down he lifts his hand in the air and waves it around like the conductor of a full orchestra. Sweet milk and music to his ears.

It really is the best feeling ever to see him so happy when he's eating. When the day feels long and I'm exhausted, Ozzy really brings me comfort and confidence as a mother. Thank you little man!



Nico helping me feed his brother.

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